Forget sugarplums. We have a new vision. (Help!) December 4, 2009

Kemi:  Hey, Anthony, let’s go into Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick up a gift for the dogs.

Anthony:  Okay.  What are you going to get?

Kemi:  It’s this thing called Pedi Paws.  It’s a cool thing that I think they’re going to love.

     [Okay, that I'M going to love.]

Anthony:  …

Kemi:  Really.  Let’s look.

Anthony:  …

Kemi:  It has to be around here somewhere.  This is all the “as seen on T.V.” stuff.

Anthony:  (growing excited)  I know THIS!  I’ve seen this!  And this, and this and this!  Can we get them?

Kemi:  Let’s just stick to the Pedi Paws for today, okay?

Anthony:  (squealing)  Look!  Snuggies!

Kemi:  Look, see the dog Snuggies?  How funny are they?

Anthony:  (giggling)  Those ARE silly.

Kemi:  Okay, here we go.  I found what I was looking for.

Anthony:  What is it?

Kemi:  It’s this cool thing that cuts the dogs’ toenails, and it doesn’t hurt them.

Anthony: You’re getting them THAT?

Kemi:  Yes.  For Christmas. 

Anthony:  They don’t want THAT.   THAT  is not a good gift.

Kemi:  I think it’s a good gift.

Anthony:  It is NOT a good gift.  A good gift would be a Snuggie.  For dogs.  THAT is the perfect gift.

White Trash Wall Art, Sutton Style November 4, 2009

     During my two-month absence from the blog, I was (fortunate?  cursed?  humiliated?) to have experienced several situations that put me in a special sort of category.  A People of Walmart category.  A take-your-kids-to-work-with-no-pants sort of thing that morphed from the mortifying into the hilarious, at least for those who happened to view it.  Us.  Whatever.  (Trust me, those stories are coming.  And you will LOVE me for them.  Just not tonight.)

 

     I try to adopt the “laugh so you don’t cry” mentality, which may be a sure sign of my descent into full-blown white-trashiness (“Hi, my name is Kemi and I have no class.”   “Hi, Kemi.”), but I’ve found that it helps me retain what little sanity I have.  Especially when dealing with my husband  children  family.  Perhaps the ability to embrace the tackiness that makes up my life is somewhat like Prozac, only without the pharmaceuticals. 

 

     So, my life being what it is, after I got all the kids to school this morning, and Abbie went off with her dad (*insert your own title-related joke here*), I noticed a two-inch spot on the wall in the hallway.  Upon further investigation, I saw that someone had used my wall as an artist’s canvas.  This someone, when interrogated after her Kindergarten dismissal, said that she didn’t have time to grab a sheet of paper, and therefore felt completely justified in using the wall.

 

     Also?  This is not her first time.  Nor is it the first (or second, or hundredth) conversation we’ve had about what markers and crayons are SUPPOSED to write on.  And yet?  I find mini masterpieces on her limbs, her clothes, her sheets, her books, MY books…

 

     Who needs wallpaper (or nice paint) when you have an artiste  living under your roof?  Perhaps I should charge for her services and fund my retirement.

 

Living Room Abstract

2′  x  3′

Hannah, age 2

Dry erase marker on white paint

(faded paint courtesy of magic eraser)

Composed while artist’s mother was nursing artist’s infant brother

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Hallway

2″  x  2.5″

Hannah, age 5  (three weeks shy of 6)

Red felt tip on white paint

Composed covertly while artist should have been in bed

 

 

 

 

     Oh my goodness, we’ve turned into this: 

 

Four eyes never looked so adorable! August 28, 2009

     I took Hannah to the school this morning to meet with her teacher for a Kindergarten readiness screening.  It took her nearly 20 minutes to decide on an outfit, and her hair had to be *just so* and of course, we couldn’t forget the backpack.  (It’s as big as she is.)

 

 

 

     (I’d also like to note, for the record, that if I have to listen to daily commentary about the pros and cons of making an outfit out of every single article of clothing she owns– and there’s a lot!– my darling daughter will be going to school in her pajamas. 

 

So, what do you think Mom?  I have the blue daisy dress with white flowers with yellow dots in the middle, or there’s my green flower dress that looks just like the blue one except it’s green and instead of yellow middles it has pink ones, but I really like the blue one, but maybe the green flower one would be better, or maybe I should wear the hoodie that Grandma bought me with my new capris but then I wouldn’t be wearing a dress, and what if Mrs. Hoffmann doesn’t think I look cute?  But I think she’ll think I look cute because she loves me and she stayed at the school so she could teach me and so I think she’ll like whatever I wear because I’m cute and she likes me a lot and I think I’ll wear the blue dress, but do you think my new brown shoes with the bows that Grandpa bought me will match okay, and do I need to wear socks with them and do you think white ones will be good and I was going to wear my rainbow dress on the first day of school because it’s my favorite — *SQUEE!!!!* — but I wore it to Back-to-School night and Mrs. Hoffmann already saw it so maybe I’ll wait and wear that one on the second day or maybe the third or fourth or maybe I’ll just wear the orange one that I wore to Kindergarten Orientation, but she’s already seen that one too so today I’m going to wear the blue daisy dress and when I go to Kindergarten next week I don’t know what I’ll wear yet because it’s still so far away, but maybe I’ll wear a dress or pants or capris or- did Grandma get me any shorts?- maybe shorts. 

 

     And then my head exploded, and I might have said something about taking her to school in her underwear if she didn’t just putsomethingonalready.)

 

 

            

 

     She passed off her letters, numbers, shapes and colors, and had a great time touring the Kindergarten rooms and the bathroom.   Mom!  The sinks are SOOOOO tiny!  They’re just my size!  And the boy’s bathroom is green.  My teacher told me so I didn’t have to look inside it with boys in there.    (I lost it with that comment.  I laughed so hard I cried.) 

 

     This afternoon we picked up her first pair of glasses, in plenty of time for her to get used to them before Kindergarten starts next Thursday.  Thankfully, the frames are pewter (and Princess!), so we won’t (SHOULDN’T) have any wardrobe-coordination issues.  I think she looks adorable!  A little geekish, but in such a cute way!  Glasses today sure are a lot different than they were when I was a kid!

 

 

     Also, is it bad that I’m jealous of how she looks so much better in glasses than I do?

Fifth Grade Redux August 26, 2009

     Here are two of the four little darlings on their first day of school today.

 

 

     Alex started fifth grade, and Kendra is in fourth.

 

     Now, for anyone who doesn’t know (I’m sure there are many of you), I used to teach 5th grade.  I LOVED it.  I loved everything about my students, and if I ever went back to teaching, fifth is the grade I’d choose first.  HOWEVER, despite my affection for them, those were some obnoxious kids.  Loud;  silly;  full of potty humor, sound effects and bodily noises.  The year I had Alex was the last year I taught school, and I couldn’t imagine my precious little baby boy ever reaching that 5th-grade age.  (Or the mentality.)  They seemed so old.  So (im)mature.  So far ahead of my little bundle of joy.

 

     Fast-forward ten years.  Yup, he’s TOTALLY a 5th grader.  (How did that happen?  How did I LET that happen?)

 

     Having two upper-grade [elementary school] children isn’t even the worst part.  What I want to know is, when did I get old?  How is it possible for me to be the mother of two upper-grade [elementary school] children?

 

     *sigh*

 

     I’m happy to report that the first day was a smashing success.  Kendra is thrilled with her teacher, Mrs. Nance, even though she didn’t get the teacher Alex had last year.  Alex is elated that he gets to have one of the two male teachers in the school, Mr. Rolley, who is a mad computer genius and seems to have embraced his inner 10-year-old boy with unbridled joy and ferocity.

 

     It’s going to be a great year, despite the fact that my kids are getting too old, too fast.  (To say nothing of myself.)

 

And the heavens opened, and we were sore afraid. (Mostly irreverent.) June 14, 2009

     We were sitting in Sacrament Meeting this afternoon when the clouds rolled in and it started to pour.  Anthony was sleepily cradled in my arms, and at the quietest part of the meeting, we saw a flash of light through the windows and heard a loud clap of thunder.

 

     Because we’re idiots  Because it’s a habit we started ten years ago, we sit on the very front row in the chapel.  Imagine the delight of the rest of the ward sitting behind us when Alex and Kendra heard the thunder, giggled gleefully and Alex jumped to his feet and pumped his fist in victory.  Hannah shrieked in mock terror, and Anthony opened his eyes wide for a minute, before smiling a drowsy grin and saying, “Awesome.”  Loudly.

 

     That was pretty much how my kids spent the remainder of the meeting– listening for thunder, watching for lightning (or “strips of bacon”) (yeah, don’t ask), giving the occasional high-five when the rumbling was particularly noisy, and giggling –loudly– about how cool it was. 

 

     It was cool, even I have to admit.  (I don’t remember ever being in church during a thunderstorm, so it was a new experience for all of us.)

 

     It was also embarrassing. 

 

     My kids are heathens. 

 

 

When You Burn a Girl a CD (Or, Why I Have a Slight Crush on Jason Mraz) June 11, 2009

When you burn a girl a CD, she will listen to it every single moment she is awake.

After she has listened to it approximately 25 times, she will ask you to print off the lyrics for each song.

After you print off the lyrics, she will sing along.

As she sings along, you begin to pick up the lyrics as well.

After you can sing every song on the CD, some phrases begin to stick out.

As you ponder those phrases, you begin to apply them to certain life experiences.

Those life experiences remind you of other songs, which makes you go to i-Tunes and download them.

After you’ve downloaded those other songs, your daughter hears them and asks you to burn her a new CD.

And, when you burn a girl a CD, she will listen to it every single moment she is awake.

 

 

 

I am SO not ready for this. June 5, 2009

     We celebrated the last day of school by watching Kendra perform in the talent show (she did a fantastic job!), taking the kids to a celebratory lunch at Burger King, attending a friend’s 40th birthday party and stopping at Wal-Mart for cookies and toilet paper.  (When two of the three bathrooms have empty rolls, you know you’re in trouble.)

 

     We also picked out three training bras, which my aforementioned daughter is elated about. 

 

     Her mom?  Not so much.

 

 

Can you spell t-a-l-e-n-t? June 2, 2009

     I am waiting for R.C. Willey to deliver our new couch (thanks, Mom!) for downstairs, and I’m not being very patient about it.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they told us 3:30-7:00 PM, and then they called at 5:30 and said it would be between 6:00 and 9:30 PM, and it’s 7:36 PM and I’m waiting for the call that says “sometime within the next 30 days, maybe”, or possibly it’s because my kids keep asking, “When will it get here, Mom?” and “Does this still mean we get to watch a movie on it tonight for Family Home Evening, even if it comes at 9:00 and there’s school tomorrow?”  (Uh, no.  Nice try.  Even during the summer, the answer would be an emphatic NO.)

 

     So, to condense, I am waiting for a new couch with impatient kids who are giddy about the end of the school year and having a real seating place that will hold all of us comfortably instead of two old (reeeeeeealy old) armchairs, a bar stool and an ottoman.

 

     To kill time, I thought I’d post about two really exciting things that happened last week: 

 

Destruction, disinfection, inevitable depression and a dress May 13, 2009

     Aaaaah, alliteration.  (Look!  I did it again!)

 

     I have been missing for quite a while, and I promise I have a good excuse.  And pictures.  (Save your thanks until after you’ve seen them, however…)

 

     It’s been nearly three weeks (seems like SO much longer)

Sunny with a chance of water balloons April 22, 2009

     Yay! I have a [fairly] quiet minute to sit down and post!

 

     Today has been one of those days where I have been busy ALL DAY LONG, but I have nothing to show for it.  Or, I have things to show for it, but not a single one of them have to do with the million things that need to be done inside my house.  It’s enough to make my head hurt.  Truly, it is.

 

     I woke up just a little past 7:00 AM, but I forced myself to stay in bed until my alarm clock went off at 7:30.  What a waste!  I should have just gotten up.  Because I slept in, I didn’t get Kenny’s lunch made in time, so we had to take it to him.  Normally it isn’t a big deal, but I had Abbie today.  Normally SHE’S not a big deal, but I was trying to get Kenny’s lunch ready, shower, talk on the phone (Rachel, again, you made my day!  I SO needed that conversation!), get some laundry going, get some updates on my mom (who had gall bladder surgery, but she doesn’t want anyone to know, so ssssshh!), get a dinner prepared I could take to my parents, and keep the house from falling down around my ears.

 

     It was a long morning, and aside from the phone call, not a very good one.

 

     I DID get