Kemi, like “chemistry”

Random Musings of the Misunderstood

The Toddler Rules April 25, 2008

Filed under: kids,motherhood,parenting — Kemi @ 8:37 pm
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If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.  Or eaten.  Or put into pockets to save for later.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn into miniscule pieces, then thrown in the air like confetti.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.

If the volume is high, it must go low.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled open, then slammed closed, repeatedly and with great force.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with spit, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back and ear-piercing shrieks.

If it is Mommy, it must be hugged and/or head-butted at full speed.




     I think we experienced every single thing on this list today, and some of them twice. This must be why I am so exhausted all the time.  I can’t remember the day, week, or month without really having to stop and think about it (same goes for season– with the rain, snow and sunshine we’ve been getting, it could be Spring, Summer or  Winter!).  By dinnertime, I am ready to adopt a “fend-for-yourself” menu which consists of opening the fridge and cupboards and letting them forage for edible items.  (Miracle Whip and jelly, huh?  And you’re dipping the Cheetos into it?  Go for it.)  The bedtime routine has flown out the window, because, to be perfectly honest, as long as there are bodies in beds and they are at rest, I could care less if their teeth are brushed or if they are wearing pajamas.


     Wow, the last time I felt so wiped out I had the Super Flu, and the time before that, I was….  oh, crap.





2 Responses to “The Toddler Rules”

  1. Rachel Says:

    AMEN SISTA! 🙂 Every single one of those is TRUE!!

    Hope you have a more cooperative day–and that should you need to take a test, only one line shows up! 🙂 jk!!

  2. pppj Says:

    ooo oooo

    If the tv is on, Mommy must turn the channel if I don’t like what’s on.

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