It’s that time of year when some (one) of my children begin to fear that their (his) behavior hasn’t been quite up to standard over the past 11 months. Panic (and hilarity) has begun to set in.
Example 1: The child who never fails to tell me how fat I am and how pregnant I still look (he’s a real gem, that one), will cover his ears and burst into tears every time Kendra starts singing her choir song about an overweight Santa. It’s a delightful song, and by the time she gets to the chorus, we are laughing at the lyrics AS WELL AS Anthony’s histrionics. For some reason, he is terrified that Santa will categorize the entire family as troublemakers and skip our house altogether, not realizing that Anthony is the lone defender of Santa’s waistline.
Because it makes perfect sense to protect Santa, who only brings one gift, and relentlessly mock his mother, who provides the rest of the holiday haul, as well as the gifts for his mid-December birthday. And has half of Santa’s girth.
Perhaps this year, Santa will bring the gift and Mommy will give the coal! Or she will just sing the song over and over and over again, to mess with his head. (It would serve him right, don’t you think?)
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, you are much too fat!
I was sleeping peacefully and now my bed is flat!
Oh, Santa Claus, Santa Claus, how much do you weigh?
I’d hate to be a reindeer who has to pull your sleigh.
Example 2: He spent last evening re-writing his Christmas list. There are only a few items on it, which is surprising. (Maybe he set the bar low, thinking it might earn him some extra points with the big guy in red.) (Not to be confused with the fat woman in pink.)
He declined my offer to mail it to Santa; instead, he brought it into the family room to read it aloud. “It’s so the elves can hear,” he informed me. (We have two elves who visit us from the North Pole each December.) “Game Boy, robot, GB charger, Cars bed. Do you hear that, Elves?” And then, to me: “‘Cause they’re the ones who actually make the stuff.”
While I applaud his determination, I can’t help but think that if he’d just behave himself ALL YEAR LONG, December wouldn’t be quite so stressful for him.